Everything is Painful & I Feel Worthless

It's ten minutes to six o'clock in the morning, and I have no business being awake. I just can't sleep anymore. I have been in so much pain for the past two weeks, from bronchitis, stupid restless leg syndrome, the muscle I pulled in my stomach, and the stress of having to deal with my dad...

Even without the constant pain, it's just always been so hard for me to get to sleep. I always think of that scene in Office Space where the occupational hypnotherapist is trying to get Peter to relax. It just doesn't work. Then I try to day dream so that, perhaps, I can night dream. But the only thing I can think about is whatever stress I'm under at the time.

There's nothing I hate more than feeling sorry for myself, and that's all I've been doing lately. I've always liked helping other people, but I suck at it. My mom's been having guy problems, and all I can do is say, "Well... maybe it'll work out." I've been hiding from my dad at my grandparents house because I'm getting so scared of him. It's not like he beats me, or anything. But the man has never missed a day of work in his life, so when I miss a day of school, he's like, "I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE PUKING YOUR GUTS OUT AND HAVING BLACKOUTS! YOU GET YOUR ASS TO *SCHOOL*!" He doesn't understand how much pain I'm in, because he doesn't *have* all these weird problems. I feel like such a wuss for running away from him. I'm just too sensitive to listen to lectures. All my life, any time he yelled at me, I just burst into tears.

I can't stop crying lately. I feel worthless all the time because I'm not going to school, so I'm not getting anything accomplished. I also feel like I need constant attention. The other night, my mom was in her room, on the phone with Ron, Bobby was playing video games, and Zach and Sarah were in his room, making out. And I just felt so lonely. I'm just like... not myself lately. I'm usually all thrilled about every last part of life, but right now, everything seems to suck. I know it doesn't, I just... I need to make more friends, or something. Geez. Maybe if I smacked myself in the face, I'd feel better...

Well, I suppose I'll stop my whining now. Later.

--Holly