"It's the first time I ever felt this lonely. I wish someone would cure this pain. It's funny when you think it's gonna work out... till you chose weed over me, you're so lame. Can't you see that you lie to yourself? You can't see the world through a mirror. It wont be too late when the smoke clears. 'Cause I, I am still here. But everytime I try to make you smile, you're always feeling sorry for yourself. Everytime I try to make you laugh... you can't, you're too tough. You think you're loveless. Is that too much that I'm asking for?"--"Too Much to Ask"--Avril Lavigne
I never really had friends in high school, except for Sarah, who never had my same lunch hour, and not many of my classes. I remember sitting at my desk and trying to concentrate on weird-arsed journalism assignments, but those freaking preps never shut up. The preps bragged about how wasted they'd gotten over the weekend, the goths actually handed each other bags of weed in the halls, and the freaks were always so obviously high. I was disgusted by all of these groups of people. The only kids who seemed cool to me were the straight-edge band nerds and, since I didn't play an instrument, I hung out by myself, paranoid that every single group made fun of me. I couldn't believe these people did all these drugs, after everything we learned about in health class. I swore I would never hang out with people who knowingly killed their brain cells & altered their perception like that.
I finally made friends in college. As soon as I experienced the thrill of theatre, I knew that was where I belonged. These people seemed to genuinely like me. I became friends with Jerry immediately and, over the months, I fell in love with this incredible gayboy. Life was suddenly wonderful because Jerry was my friend.He drowns in his dreams...He was the most talented, passionate person I'd ever met. The moment I found out he drank all the time and smoked pot every once in a while, I was devastated.An exquisite extreme, I knowI couldn't just stop being his friend... Jerry wasn't one of those nameless high school druggies that I'd so easily called losers.He's as damned as he seemsI was amazed, though... how could someone who was so smart in every other aspect of life do those things to his body?And more Heaven that a heart could holdI knew he was sad, but why did he think drinking and drugs would help? My family didn't entirely understand why I was still hanging out with Jerry. It was because, when I looked at him, I didn't see some guy who did things I completely disagreed with. I still saw one of the most extraordinary people I'd ever met. I wanted to help him somehow, even though he didn't think he needed help. And if I try to save him, my whole world could cave in. It just ain't right... it just ain't right
He recently started attending AA meetings, and I couldn't be prouder of him for that. But at the same time he started AA, he joined a band, which I thought would be great for him. True, he seemed happier now that he could sing all the time, but he now had to go away for a week at a time & at night, the band would sit around a campfire, drinking and smoking pot. He told me these trips were the most fun he'd ever had. That stung. The most fun I've ever had has been with him. I really like Jerry's new bandmate and friend, Shannon. In fact, I think of her as my friend too. But she does smoke weed, and when Jerry's with her, he does too.
The other night, I was at a late-night diner with Jerry and Shannon. After we ate, they wanted to go to her house and watch a movie. But they wanted to smoke pot while they were there. Shannon asked if it'd be cool with me if she & Jerry went ahead and smoked, and then I could come over and we'd watch the movie, so I wouldn't have to see them get high. I understand that she was trying to be nice to me, but I can't be around people who are high. I went home and cried, amazed that I'd been able to keep my composure around them (for once) until I could get into my car and break down in tears. I felt like they'd rather get high than be with me, because they knew I would have continued hanging out with them if they'd just kept away from the pot, and we all could've watched the movie together. And that wasn't all that bothered me... every time I thought about Jerry doing that crap to himself, my insides froze. He didn't seem to understand, but I knew he was endangering his health, his amazing personality, and his incredible talent. Before I'd left the restaurant, I told him I at least wanted him to wait till the high wore off before he drove home. But I researched facts on weed (which Jerry always tells me are complete bullcrap) and a high can last for hours. Thinking about the delayed reaction time marijuana gives a person, I laid my head down on the desk and basically had a nervous breakdown. As much as I love them both & I believe they love me, I get the impression that Jerry and Shannon think I'm a naive little girl.
I can't convince him to stop. I can't talk to anyone about it. I feel so alone... powerless... hurt. Terrified. There's nothing I can do. My tears won't help, but I can't stop them.
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