Beautiful Disaster

"It's the first time I ever felt this lonely. I wish someone would cure this pain. It's funny when you think it's gonna work out... till you chose weed over me, you're so lame. Can't you see that you lie to yourself? You can't see the world through a mirror. It wont be too late when the smoke clears. 'Cause I, I am still here. But everytime I try to make you smile, you're always feeling sorry for yourself. Everytime I try to make you laugh... you can't, you're too tough. You think you're loveless. Is that too much that I'm asking for?"--"Too Much to Ask"--Avril Lavigne

I never really had friends in high school, except for Sarah, who never had my same lunch hour, and not many of my classes. I remember sitting at my desk and trying to concentrate on weird-arsed journalism assignments, but those freaking preps never shut up. The preps bragged about how wasted they'd gotten over the weekend, the goths actually handed each other bags of weed in the halls, and the freaks were always so obviously high. I was disgusted by all of these groups of people. The only kids who seemed cool to me were the straight-edge band nerds and, since I didn't play an instrument, I hung out by myself, paranoid that every single group made fun of me. I couldn't believe these people did all these drugs, after everything we learned about in health class. I swore I would never hang out with people who knowingly killed their brain cells & altered their perception like that.

I finally made friends in college. As soon as I experienced the thrill of theatre, I knew that was where I belonged. These people seemed to genuinely like me. I became friends with Jerry immediately and, over the months, I fell in love with this incredible gayboy. Life was suddenly wonderful because Jerry was my friend.He drowns in his dreams...He was the most talented, passionate person I'd ever met. The moment I found out he drank all the time and smoked pot every once in a while, I was devastated.An exquisite extreme, I knowI couldn't just stop being his friend... Jerry wasn't one of those nameless high school druggies that I'd so easily called losers.He's as damned as he seemsI was amazed, though... how could someone who was so smart in every other aspect of life do those things to his body?And more Heaven that a heart could holdI knew he was sad, but why did he think drinking and drugs would help? My family didn't entirely understand why I was still hanging out with Jerry. It was because, when I looked at him, I didn't see some guy who did things I completely disagreed with. I still saw one of the most extraordinary people I'd ever met. I wanted to help him somehow, even though he didn't think he needed help. And if I try to save him, my whole world could cave in. It just ain't right... it just ain't right

He recently started attending AA meetings, and I couldn't be prouder of him for that. But at the same time he started AA, he joined a band, which I thought would be great for him. True, he seemed happier now that he could sing all the time, but he now had to go away for a week at a time & at night, the band would sit around a campfire, drinking and smoking pot. He told me these trips were the most fun he'd ever had. That stung. The most fun I've ever had has been with him. I really like Jerry's new bandmate and friend, Shannon. In fact, I think of her as my friend too. But she does smoke weed, and when Jerry's with her, he does too.

The other night, I was at a late-night diner with Jerry and Shannon. After we ate, they wanted to go to her house and watch a movie. But they wanted to smoke pot while they were there. Shannon asked if it'd be cool with me if she & Jerry went ahead and smoked, and then I could come over and we'd watch the movie, so I wouldn't have to see them get high. I understand that she was trying to be nice to me, but I can't be around people who are high. I went home and cried, amazed that I'd been able to keep my composure around them (for once) until I could get into my car and break down in tears. I felt like they'd rather get high than be with me, because they knew I would have continued hanging out with them if they'd just kept away from the pot, and we all could've watched the movie together. And that wasn't all that bothered me... every time I thought about Jerry doing that crap to himself, my insides froze. He didn't seem to understand, but I knew he was endangering his health, his amazing personality, and his incredible talent. Before I'd left the restaurant, I told him I at least wanted him to wait till the high wore off before he drove home. But I researched facts on weed (which Jerry always tells me are complete bullcrap) and a high can last for hours. Thinking about the delayed reaction time marijuana gives a person, I laid my head down on the desk and basically had a nervous breakdown. As much as I love them both & I believe they love me, I get the impression that Jerry and Shannon think I'm a naive little girl.

I can't convince him to stop. I can't talk to anyone about it. I feel so alone... powerless... hurt. Terrified. There's nothing I can do. My tears won't help, but I can't stop them.

<3,>

Straight Eye For the Queer Guy

Holly's Headlines or Things Holly Has Learned Recently

• Hugging Jerry is good; colds are gross


• New theatre class not up to students' standards


• Holly is cast as Alice in Lost, a confused character who is basically Holly herself


• Meg and Jerry are cast in Interiors as the dirty psyches of proper people


• Kyle is cast as normal guy Dan in Scuba Lessons


• Columbiaville Mansion will be transformed... (Harold Ziddler style) INTO A THEATRE! Kyle will be in charge of the plays, Jerry will be directing, and all four of us will be acting. Our first show will be Rebecca


• Kyle and Meg move in with Jerry; color is introduced to his apartment


• At Holly's 20th birthday dinner, we discovered that Jerry would marry Holly had he been born straight


• Sarah will be giving birth to Kaitlin Marie any time now

So theatre class is not entirely thrilling this semester. Lori, the only theatre teacher I've ever had, has quit. We all thought Lori was the best thing since sliced bread, even the folks who'd had other theatre teachers. Lori let us use our imaginations and play around with our scripts. I Hate Hamlet was the best experience of my life... and no, it wasn't just the all the physical interaction with Jerry. *Grins* But that was definitely a plus. That play was a challenge. I learned to speak with a German accent for the role, Jerry and I actually had to learn to dance, the boys had to figure out how they should sit while wearing tights... It was incredible, the whole experience. The main thing was that Lori encouraged us to have so much fun with the play. When our work was done, we still wanted to go to J.W.'s and hang out. I had my 2 first kisses there with my fellow theatre students, Chris and a very drunk Jerry (he seems to turn straight when he's drinking, so you'd think I'd approve of his love of alcohol, wouldn't you?).

This semester, our teacher is Amy. She doesn't seem to enjoy our idiotic antics nearly as much as Lori did. And instead of doing one whole play, we'll be doing short little plays that should confuse the audience nicely. She likes yelling at Jerry, Meg & Kyle for swearing, but she's just assigned Jerry and Meg to parts where they say dirty, dirty things that will do a wonderful job of offending my grandparents. Kyle will, of course, be playing the attractive guy who gets the attractive girl. And I've got the part of the confused girl who has no clue what's going on with anything in life. Do you see what's happening here? We're all playing ourselves. There's no challenge here. *Sigh* But I'm sure it'll be sort of entertaining. And hey, what am I complaining about? I got a part. *Smacks self and promply resumes writing entry in usual Happy-Go-Lucky-Holly manner*The fun news is, Meg & Kyle have moved in with Jerry! Last Wednesday, after theatre, Jerry and Meg stayed in the car and were sad about their exes while Kyle and I moved his and Meg's things inside the apartment. It turns out that Straight Boy knows how to decorate, and he really surprised the heck outta me when he put in Savage Garden to work to. Who knew the gay guy would suck at decorating, and the straight guy would be so good at it? Eventually, Meg and Jerry came in and the full-out decorating & consumption of Jerry's awesome vegan tacos began. I've never seen Jerry's apartment look so neat... and so colorful. Meg's big, red Buddha umbrella hangs in the corner above Jerry's beautiful wicker and glass table. Kyle's picture of our cast from The Elvis Monolouges is upstairs in what is now his and Meg's bedroom. Meg & Kyle hung her huge purple tapestry on the upstairs ceiling while I snapped pictures galore. We all got little-kid excited by the end of the night, and I caught this hilarious candid video of Jerry that he's very upset about. We've dubbed the place The Theatre Apartment, and plan to film a sitcom starring the four of us called Creative Differences. T'will be very lovely indeed.

<3, Holly

Two Guys, a Girl and the Odd Chick Out

Hi kids! Sorry I haven't written in such a ridiculously long time... I'll be catching up on all your lives (I've missed that a lot) A.S.A.P.!

In my 3rd semester of theatre, I became very good friends with 3 fellow drama kids, who I love to death. There's Jerry, the hot gay boy who is hilarious, sinngs like a sexy-arsed angel, and has become a vegan & animal rights activist over the course of the three months. There's Meg, the beautifully eccentric girl who says cute things & meows a lot. And finally, there's Kyle, the ultimate nice guy who is adorable & extremely humorous. When Kyle & Meg aren't making out or fighting, they're meowing "I love you" to each other.We were all in I Hate Hamlet together in November, and we've been inseperable ever since. In December, we took a bus trip to Ohio with my step-dad's hockey team, my step-dad, and my mom, where Jerry sang the National Anthem, Kyle filmed, and Meg and I were subjected to a sport. *Shudders* We stayed in Ohio overnight (since Jerry would be singing for the game the next day, too) and I must say, I was very excited about sleeping in a bed with Jerry... until he snored in my ear. We did have lots of fun making sandwiches for the hockey players in preparation of the trip, and purchasing lovely things in the awesome downtown shopping district. Most of the time these days, we all just hang out at J.W.'s, where Jerry sings karaoke and I sit there, being in unrequited love with him... and video taping, of course. Check out the way he sings "I'll Be".Everyone quickly learned how anti-alcohol, anti-smoking, anti-drugs, & anti-conformity I am one night when we all went to a Coney Island after an I Hate Hamlet rehearsal. My three new friends, along with Justin, another theatre kid, all wanted to go out to their cars and smoke pot. I was shocked and unbelievably upset to find out that they did this stuff to themselves, and that they would do it in my presence. I immediately burst into tears upon hearing what they wanted to do, and everyone said they felt terrible for making me feel so horrible, and decided not to do it around me. Meg and Kyle still continued to smoke cigarettes every second of the day, Jerry kept "smoking socially," as he called it, and he seemed to get drunk nearly every time we went to the karaoke bar. I worried about them all constantly, especially Jerry, whom I had grown the closest to. I was relieved beyond belief when Jerry made the New Year's Resolution to stop smoking, and I was thrilled when he made a vow to never drink as much as he did the night before Thanksgiving, when he got so drunk, he couldn't give me directions to his house, and he had to sleep it off on my living room couch. But New Year's came and went, and Jerry kept smoking, and even got extremely drunk again-- at least I knew how to drive to his apartment by then. I became depressed (not to mention sick from the smoke) every time we went to a bar. I went home crying every night... couldn't he see how much he was hurting me by hurting himself? Or did he just not care? I took to shooting Jerry dirty looks every time he ordered a mug of beer or a shot, and was extremely upset when he tricked me into paying for one of his shots.A few nights ago, Jerry invited me to his apartment, where we would hang out with Meg and Kyle, like usual. But when I got there, they all kept going into the bathroom together. I figured they were doing drugs (it had really smelled like pot in there to me...) & felt like they must think I was a real moron to not guess what they were doing. I felt humiliated, assuming they'd all had a big laugh, thinking they'd pulled one over on me. I called Jerry up the next day and demanded that he tell me what had been going on in the bathroom. He admitted they'd been drinking beer, and that they'd stashed it in the bathtub when I'd knocked on the door. Trying not to cry & failing, I told him how hurt I was that they'd lied to me, and that if they were going to be doing stuff that they knew would bother me, don't invite me in the first place.Jerry and Meg came to my house the next day and explained to me that they wanted me around, but they had wanted to drink really bad, so they hid it from me since they knew I'd have one of my emotional breakdowns & leave if I was aware of what was going on. They said that they love me, but feel like they have to tiptoe around me & can't completely be themselves when I'm there. I don't want them to feel like that, but I worry about them so much, and I just don't know what to do.

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