New Year's Eve was fine. Family, friends, MTV. 2001 is here, and I should feel awesome about starting a brand new year.
It's not turning out that way. The normally cheery me is turning into a weird, I don't know myself anymore me. I got my mom Pink's CD for Christmas. The other day, we were in the car, listening to the song, "Split Personality," and I thought... that is me. Pink had a girl in her mind that was telling her what to do. I never realized it before, but I think I have a split personality. Something in my head tells me to do my obsessive-compulsive rituals, and such.
I've been fighting with myself lately, telling my obsessive-compulsive BS to shut up. After fighting with myself, I'm not in any kind of mood to argue with someone else. Well, the other day, Sarah, Zach and I were riding along in Zach's car. They were acting all cutsie for a while, then they started arguing about pointless things. A deep feeling of loneliness washed over me, and I began crying very quietly as I plugged my ears to drain their arguing out. After a couple of minutes, they glanced over and noticed how upset I appeared. They questioned me about my sad state, but all I could do was whisper (extremly softly), "I can't talk about it with anyone." Everything was silent in the car until we got to my mom's house.
I was supposed to wake my mom up when we got there, so I did. She asked how things had been going that afternoon, and all I could do was burst into tears once again. She asked me what was wrong, and I couldn't tell her. I couldn't tell *Mom* what was wrong with me. My best friend, my soulmate, the person I've never kept *anything* from. My incapability of sharing my demons with her made us both weirded out. She reassured me that I could tell her *anything* at all, but I just couldn't say it. I had a really heavy cry on her shoulder. As I thought about all the stress I'd been under about what was going on in my head, and what was going on in the real world, I got all shaken up, and began crying hysterically.
I hyperventalated, and couldn't stop, even after I took my inhaler. Through my tears, I tried to tell a very startled Sarah what was going on with me, but she just kept saying, "I can't understand you." It turns out, I'd been talking way faster than I'd thought I was talking. I was running all my words together, and no one knew I was even trying to *say* anything.
I calmed down after watching "Where the Heart Is," but when I went to bed, I felt sick to my stomach, and started gagging, and having dry heaves. I threw up a couple of times, and then I went into these violent full-body spasms. My mom was afraid I was going to snap my neck.
The next day, I couldn't go to school. I was so sore, and I still felt nauseated. I couldn't go to school yesterday, either. I was so sore all night long, I didn't get to sleep until five AM. I can't possibly go to school tomorrow because I have such horrible back and neck pain, I wouldn't be able to *walk*. My brother called today to see if I was coming to stay with my dad tonight. In the background, I heard my dad screaming about how furious her was at me from missing school for two days. That's how much he cares that I'm sick.
So... I've been pretty down. Yes, me. Holly Zintel, the optimist. But I know that God only gives us obstacles we can handle. It'll be hard, but I'll be able to handle this all of this. Whatever will be shall be, I suppose. See ya.
--Nervous wreck,
Holly the "Holy" Zintel ():-\
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