The Pointless Night in the Basement
By Holly Zintel
"Tracey and Lou, Tracey and Lou, Tracey and Lou… they will get married and step in some glue!" Wendy sang cheerfully, in spite of herself, and her imminent illness.
She chuckled and then continued on, "Tracey and Lou, Tracey and Lou…"
The sounds of an awful baseball game continued on in the background of the basement… or at least, Holly wished it were in the background. The volume seemed to be increasing by the minute, if you asked her, and she didn't know how much longer she could listen to such meaningless tripe.
Luckily, at that moment, a car commercial came on the TV. Of course, Holly hated car commercials as well.
Just then, her mother muted the TV. Holly was more delighted than Monica Lewinsky at an all male review, which doubled as an all-you-can-eat buffet.
"You almost done, Mike?" Wendy asked suddenly.
"Mumble, grumble, grumble," Mike grumbled unceremoniously.
Suddenly, Wendy decided to lie down on the ab chair. She stretched out, apparently quite content with life. Little did she know, the ab chair expected her to do work, and a lot of it, at that. The chair forced her suddenly into doing all sorts of gross sit-ups. "Well," Wendy proclaimed, "now I have tight abs."
"That quick?" Mike mumble-grumbled.
"That quick. Abs of steel," Mom said.
Chapter 2
Holly Gets to Use the Internet
Holly didn't need to write any more of this meaningless story, as Mike was suddenly struck by an idea- he could eat four pieces of pickle loaf in a gross sandwich, perhaps stuffed with mayonnaise or some sort of nasty pickles. You know, pickles on pickle loaf? It seemed nasty to Holly, too.
Holly was sure he would burp all night long and, undoubtedly, keep her mother awake.
"It's time for Leno," Wendy swiftly proclaimed. "Should I turn it on… or do you want me to keep it on the baseball game?"
"Uh… I kind of want the game on," Mike mumble-grumbled selfishly.
"Sigh," Wendy sighed. "They'll be flicking the lights now, telling us it's time for Leno," she added dejectedly.
Holly was definitely ready to use the internet. Wendy peeked around the treadmill to see whether or not Mike was yet off the computer.
Just as Holly had suspected, he wasn't. "It just sits there; it won't go," Mike mumble-grumbled in a whiny voice.
Holly was rather disgusted, to say the least. After all, she and her mother had an 11:00 appointment on to take a "7 Deadly Sins" quiz on the internet.
"Can you un-mute it?" Mike asked rudely, in his usual whiny voice.
Wendy did.
Meanwhile, Amy ate from her adorable cat face-shaped bowl, and Daria bathed on top of the wardrobe. Wendy did not know what a "wardrobe" was, but Holly did. It was, in fact, a zipped up plastic thing in the middle of the basement, dividing Wendy and Mike's room from the… well, basement.
Amy licked her chops, now directly next to Holly and Wendy. She stared at Holly. Clearly, she was contemplating eating Holly. Holly did not care for this tactic at all.
"You missed the best part of the story," Wendy pointed out sadly as Mike, once again whined, "Man, this is slow!" He didn't, however, make any attempt to get off of the computer or, in fact, do anything useful to help the situation at all.
Holly was beginning to get rather disgusted. And by "beginning," she, of course, meant, "boiled over with anger."
"It's over," Mike mumble-grumbled annoyingly. "Turn it to 25."
"What?" Wendy asked, puzzled.
"IT'S OVER. Turn it to 25," Mike demanded in a decidedly… mumbly-grumbly way.
Suddenly, to make a happy ending for the story, Holly decided to eat some Jolly Ranchers as Barbara Streissand yelled, "SHUT THE F*** UP!" Ms. Streissand then went on to win 25 awards for her hilarious outfit in The Owl and the Pussycat.
"Man, this is frustrating," Mike mumble-grumbled.
Holly decided to turn him into a pug dog with her special Harry Potter-oriented powers. She has her gay boys behind her in spirit always, and also summoned their special "gay powers" to help.
