A Short Story

The Pointless Night in the Basement

By Holly Zintel

"Tracey and Lou, Tracey and Lou, Tracey and Lou… they will get married and step in some glue!" Wendy sang cheerfully, in spite of herself, and her imminent illness.

She chuckled and then continued on, "Tracey and Lou, Tracey and Lou…"

The sounds of an awful baseball game continued on in the background of the basement… or at least, Holly wished it were in the background. The volume seemed to be increasing by the minute, if you asked her, and she didn't know how much longer she could listen to such meaningless tripe.

Luckily, at that moment, a car commercial came on the TV. Of course, Holly hated car commercials as well.

Just then, her mother muted the TV. Holly was more delighted than Monica Lewinsky at an all male review, which doubled as an all-you-can-eat buffet.

"You almost done, Mike?" Wendy asked suddenly.

"Mumble, grumble, grumble," Mike grumbled unceremoniously.

Suddenly, Wendy decided to lie down on the ab chair. She stretched out, apparently quite content with life. Little did she know, the ab chair expected her to do work, and a lot of it, at that. The chair forced her suddenly into doing all sorts of gross sit-ups. "Well," Wendy proclaimed, "now I have tight abs."

"That quick?" Mike mumble-grumbled.

"That quick. Abs of steel," Mom said.

Chapter 2

Holly Gets to Use the Internet

Holly didn't need to write any more of this meaningless story, as Mike was suddenly struck by an idea- he could eat four pieces of pickle loaf in a gross sandwich, perhaps stuffed with mayonnaise or some sort of nasty pickles. You know, pickles on pickle loaf? It seemed nasty to Holly, too.

Holly was sure he would burp all night long and, undoubtedly, keep her mother awake.

"It's time for Leno," Wendy swiftly proclaimed. "Should I turn it on… or do you want me to keep it on the baseball game?"

"Uh… I kind of want the game on," Mike mumble-grumbled selfishly.

"Sigh," Wendy sighed. "They'll be flicking the lights now, telling us it's time for Leno," she added dejectedly.

Holly was definitely ready to use the internet. Wendy peeked around the treadmill to see whether or not Mike was yet off the computer.

Just as Holly had suspected, he wasn't. "It just sits there; it won't go," Mike mumble-grumbled in a whiny voice.

Holly was rather disgusted, to say the least. After all, she and her mother had an 11:00 appointment on to take a "7 Deadly Sins" quiz on the internet.

"Can you un-mute it?" Mike asked rudely, in his usual whiny voice.

Wendy did.

Meanwhile, Amy ate from her adorable cat face-shaped bowl, and Daria bathed on top of the wardrobe. Wendy did not know what a "wardrobe" was, but Holly did. It was, in fact, a zipped up plastic thing in the middle of the basement, dividing Wendy and Mike's room from the… well, basement.

Amy licked her chops, now directly next to Holly and Wendy. She stared at Holly. Clearly, she was contemplating eating Holly. Holly did not care for this tactic at all.

"You missed the best part of the story," Wendy pointed out sadly as Mike, once again whined, "Man, this is slow!" He didn't, however, make any attempt to get off of the computer or, in fact, do anything useful to help the situation at all.

Holly was beginning to get rather disgusted. And by "beginning," she, of course, meant, "boiled over with anger."

"It's over," Mike mumble-grumbled annoyingly. "Turn it to 25."

"What?" Wendy asked, puzzled.

"IT'S OVER. Turn it to 25," Mike demanded in a decidedly… mumbly-grumbly way.

Suddenly, to make a happy ending for the story, Holly decided to eat some Jolly Ranchers as Barbara Streissand yelled, "SHUT THE F*** UP!" Ms. Streissand then went on to win 25 awards for her hilarious outfit in The Owl and the Pussycat.

"Man, this is frustrating," Mike mumble-grumbled.

Holly decided to turn him into a pug dog with her special Harry Potter-oriented powers. She has her gay boys behind her in spirit always, and also summoned their special "gay powers" to help.

OhmyGod, ZOLOFT!!!!

Your Social Anxiety Level: 52%

You have moderate social anxiety. It's possible that you have a serious social anxiety problem. But it's also likely that you can help yourself, by getting out more and trying new, scary activities. No one's secretly judging you. So be yourself, and if you screw up, just laugh.

Are You Socially Anxious?

You Are a Drama Princess (or Prince)

You're not over the top dramatic, but you have your moments. You know how to steal the spotlight... And how to act out to get your way. People around you know that you're good for a laugh. But at times, your drama gets a bit too much for everyone. Tone it down a tad, and you'll still be the center of attention.

Are You a Drama Queen (or King)?

You Are 56% Hypochondriac

You are a bit of a hypochondriac, but nothing too extreme (yet). You watch your health a little more than you should - even when there's nothing to worry about.

Are You a Hypochondriac?

You Are 60% Bipolar

You're a bit moody, and at times, your moods can be a bit extreme. It's up to you to decide if you're simply dramatic... or slightly bipolar.

Are You Bipolar?

Top Ten Hottest Guys

So, here it is. My list of the top ten hottest guys in the world. If you feel that you're a hot guy, don't feel bad that you're not on here because, to be fair, I haven't seen all the guys in the world. But then again, maybe you're not as hot as you thought you were. Anyway, it's really personality that counts with me, but I won't be making a list of the top ten guys with best personalities. Because, you know. It wouldn't be any fun.

10. "Weird Al" Yankovic

What do you mean he's not sexy? You'd better believe he is! Have you ever been to one of his concerts and seen him kick his leg up past his head? That's hotter than hell! And also, he's a vegetarian. Nothing is hotter than that. Plus, he's hilarious.

9. T.R. Knight

That's right, I think George O'Malley is one of the sexiest guys ever. And hecks no, I don't think "McDreamy" is hot at all. In fact, he's bloody obnoxious, and I want to punch him in the face. But George is sweet and wonderful and I just want to cuddle with him. Adorable.

8. Daniel Radcliffe

Yeah, I know it's creepy for me to think he's hot. But he's really seventeen now, so technically. No! NO! Not cool, Holly. Back off. Well, alright. Maybe it's just that he's Harry Potter, and that's what makes him so hot. ...No. No, that's not it. Still, I'd better shut up before I get into a lot of trouble.

7. Jason Wade

Ah, Lifehouse's front-man. Listen to the guy's voice. It's all deep, but it can also get really high... and oh man, sometimes it sort of crackles and you're like, whoa! That was hot. At least, I am.

6. Jonathan Jackson

I spent a good chunk of my childhood planning my wedding to this guy, but he went and got married without me. Crap. Anyhoo, you might remember him from General Hospital, where he was the only one to ever decently portray the character of Lucky Spencer. Mmm... he's one of those sensitevely sexy, God-fearing sorts of hot. Pretty lovely.

5. Adrian Brody

A lot of people don't realize that he's hot. They probably haven't seen his sexy nose, eyes, and that scene in King Kong where he didn't have a shirt on.

4.Ewan McGregor

Oh man, did you see him in Moulin Rouge? He was all like, singing to that hooker, and crying all over the place. It was so hot. His eyes are gorgeous, and he sometimes has a sexy-liscious British accent.

3. Matt.

He's a friend of mine who is hot. He's so hot, he's a lifeguard, even. That's a pretty hot job if you as me. See, look at him. But don't touch him unless you're a man. A man named Jerry, who is his boyfriend.


2. Jerry

My best friend. He's really hot too, especially since he's usually full of hot coffee drinks. And he can sing better than Ewan McGregor, which is the hottest thing one can possibly do. Also, he can act. It's sexy. But don't touch him either unless your name is Matt, and your picture is right above.

1. Johnny Depp

People magazine was close when they said he was the hottest man of the year. But I'm sure what they meant to say was that he's the hottest man ever. Oooh, he can act too. You would know this if you had seen any one of his movies. And just check him out. Even his toe nails are hot. Probably. Captain Jack Sparrow is probably his hottest character yet. Mmm, fencing...

Holly? Uh, No, My Name Is...

Holly Rachael Zintel's Aliases

Your movie star name: Doritos Larry Your fashion designer name is Holly London Your socialite name is Daria Tawas Your fly girl / guy name is H Zin Your detective name is Kitty Wenona Your barfly name is Twinkie Pina Colada Your soap opera name is Rachael Watchill Your rock star name is Twerpz Chaos Your Star Wars name is Holcro Zinjoh Your punk rock band name is The Anxious Dildo

The Amazing Meganame Generator

Dentists Are the Devil

Alright, alright... I finally get why the whole world dreads going to the dentist, and feels that they are the devil. After over twenty years of having absolutely nothing wrong with my teeth... I still had nothing wrong with my teeth. But I was told that my wisdoms would jack up all my other teeth if I didn't get them removed. And so... I did. This was the worst idea ever. It's just that... well, my dentist's office has never steered me wrong before, so I figured, hey, what was the worst that could happen? OH, I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE HORRIBLE, BLOOD-CURDLING PAIN AND VOMITTING FOR A BLOODY WEEK STRAIGHT?! A 7-HOUR TRIP TO THE HOSPITAL?! A WHOLE BAG FULL OF WRONGLY-PRESCRIBED MEDICATION?! ALMOST NO FOOD FOR NEARLY A WEEK?! In the words of Napolean Dynomite, "Gosh, idiot." A week and a day after my surgery, and I'm finally able to eat macaroni and cheese, something I would have been able to eat the day after the ordeal had I been in the hands of a competant medical professional! Dude, let me tell you, if a 90-year-old man ever comes near you with surgical dental tools, tell him to get the crap out of your face before you stick him in an old folks home with nothing to eat but pudding, which is what I pretty much did all week. And let me tell you, sitting on your arse for seven whole days eating butterscotch pudding and watching five billion DVDs is not nearly as much fun as it sounds. Now that I can feel something other than excrutiating pain, I think I'll eat some pizza (oh, you just watch me chew it! ...Really slowly and carefully) and go to bed.

Zuppa Toscana!

1: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says:
"Tristan had no idea what most of the hors d'oeuvers were or if they were to be served in any special way."--Kissed By An Angel by Elizabeth Chandler.

2: Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?:
The phone.

3: What is the last thing you watched on TV?:
An episode from the first season of King of the Hill. It wasn't nearly as good as the show is now, 'cause none of the characters had been developed yet.

4: WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what the time is:
Oh... I dunno, uh... 12:38.

5: Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?:
12:44. Ooh, close.

6: With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?:
Nothing. God, how boring. *Goes into iTunes and puts songs on shuffle... "Opposites Attract" by Paula Abdul and that cartoon cat starts* There we go. Now at least I'm not boring. Maybe nerdy and retro in some way, but not boring. Perhaps. I hope.

7: When did you last step outside? what were you doing?:
'Bout half an hour ago. I was switching cars with Zach.

8: Before you came to this website, what did you look at?:
Fanfiction.net. I was checkin' on the Jack/Elizabeth fics. *Droooo...oooo.ls*


9: What are you wearing?:
Some pajamers and fluffy green slippers.

10: Did you dream last night? If so, of what?:
Yes, but I don't remember exactly what I dreamt last night. However, the night before last, I dreamt about being in multiple plane crashes after leaving my purse at the airport, and in the morning, that foiled terrorist attempt was on the news. Creepy. As. Crap. Eh?

11: When did you last laugh?:
Probably when I was watching King of the Hill awhile ago.


12: What is on the walls of the room you are in?:
Nerdy dang pictures of Zach and I from when we were in high school, some framed quotes & poems about daddies, Zach's high school marching band photos... Various living room crap.

13: Seen anything weird lately?:
Yes. I saw a picture of Matt in a sweater vest at his house last night. Tee hee! Sweater vests... hi-larious.

14: What do you think of this quiz?:
It's a fine, upstanding quiz.

15: What is the last film you saw?:
Mommy Dearest with Jerry and Matt last night. There was this like, 4 year old kid getting beat with cleaning supplies and she was all like, "Jesus Christ!" It was funny at inappropriate parts.

16: If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?:
Some gas! Yeah! With that kind of money, I'd be able to afford about half a tank full! Woo!

17: Tell me something about you that I don't know:
Who are you?! I don't know what you know and what you don't! Wah-ha! However, I type 95 words-per-minute. I hope you didn't know that. Because if you did, I will come to your house and eat all your candy corn. ALL OF IT! And then I'll WAX YOUR CAAARRR! With... with PEANUT BUTTER! Try and get THAT off, JERK!

18: If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would it be?
There'd be stronger laws regarding animal rights. And... more kiwis.

19: Do you like to dance?:
You bet I dooo! Cabbage patch, everybody! Neeer-neeer, neeeer-neeer...

20: Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?:
Either Cadence, Maycee or Autumn.

21: Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?:
Reese.

22: Would you ever consider living abroad?:
Yay-eah. If it was in London.

23: Will you pass on this survey?:
No. No, I won't.

Bury Him in Papers or Wow I Love Ranch

10 years ago, it was 1996. Take this survey, post the results, and see how many things have changed since then.

1) How old were you?
THEN: 12
NOW: 22

2) Where did you go to school?
THEN: Carman-Ainsworth Junior High School
NOW: Will be going to University of Michigan in the fall, just got out of Mott

3) Where did you work?
THEN: At school
NOW: Um... at... Buckham... but not for moneys.

4) Where did you live?
THEN: Flint, MI
NOW: Flint, MI

5) How was your hair style?
THEN: Very long and brown and usually scrunched.
NOW: Shoulder-length, brown with blonde highlights, usually straight, and layered.

6) Did you wear contacts?
THEN: Nuh-uh.
NOW: Nope.

7) Did you wear glasses?
THEN: No.
NOW: Nuh-uh.

8) Who were your best friends?
THEN: Sarah... we grew apart. She liked pot and I liked... intelligence and not using "friends'" brothers for presents.
NOW: Jerry, Matthew... um... crap. I think that's it.

9) Which of your pets were still alive?
THEN: Tinsel
NOW: Chyna, Crookshanks, Daria, Amy

10) Who was your celebrity crush?
THEN: Jonathan Jackson and Devon Sawa.
NOW: Johnny Depp and Ewan freaking McGregor.

11) How many piercings did you have?
THEN: 2.
NOW: Still 2. For awhile there, it was 6, but you done missed the train on that one.

12) How many tattoos did you have?
THEN: Um. None. I was 12.
NOW: Well, I've got that scar on my neck that looks a division sign.

13) What was your favorite band/singer?
THEN: Amy Grant and Mariah Carey.
NOW: Jerry Bradshaw, Lifehouse and Amy Grant.

14) Had you smoked a cigarette?
THEN: Nope.
NOW: Nope.

15) Had you gotten drunk?
THEN: Nope.
NOW: Nope.

16) What did you want to be when you grew up?
THen: Singer/Dancer/Actress
NOW: I dropped the first two when I realized... um... they're hard.